Oh, College.

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It never fails to amaze me how prevalent the effects of things that I’ve studied in Sociology before are in college, especially. Mob mentality, the bandwagon effect, and so many other sociological phenomenons are seriously concentrated in this environment. I see it every day, and it gets old fast.

Lies are all of a sudden rumors, and then rumors destroy lives when they take over innocent kids. Then there are the ones that gain the tiniest bit of freedom when they become adults, and waste it doing drugs and living off of tax dollars. It’s sad to envision the futures of many of my classmates. I think this is definitely a skewed sample, given that this IS community college, and in a small town at that.

But you know what? I will be part of the 7% that makes something of themselves after COS. I won’t get married and have kids before I can legally have a glass of wine, and I won’t ditch class to get high. There’s a reason that people don’t make it past this far in their education. Granted, college isn’t meant for everyone, but in this day and age, degrees are important in pretty much every field except for fast food. In 10 years I will probably be getting served my meals by some of these people that think they’re cool now. And I’ll be the cool one, in my little red Audi. lol 🙂

It’s just comforting to know sometimes that these people, who are so quick to judge and accuse, will never amount to anything. And it’s also nice to know that five years from now, I won’t have to think about them at all, but they’ll remember me, because my name will be famous. Maybe. I can dream, right?

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I found this today. I wrote it on May 27, 2008. Oh, how I have changed.

 

Allie Without Allen

Current mood:lonely

Allen Jay’s death was the worst event in my life, but how cool that he brought so many people closer to the Lord. It was like Allen, to go out in style. It’s amazing, people tell me that i”m the strongest person they know! Me! Are they crazy or what? And people are always telling me that I’m dealing with it so well, and that I’m doing so well. But here’s the problem. That’s all good and well during the school year, when I have things to do, classes to go to, homework to do. What happens during summer when i’m all alone?

We spent all of last summer together. Summer school, the Waterpark, and just hanging out at home. This summer…well, I guess i’ll find something to do. It’s weird. I go places alone now, do things alone that we always did as a couple. People tell me that it’s odd to see me walking by myself, and it feels weird.

Couple activities have turned into single activities, and i find myself searching for activities to keep myself busy. We spent so much time together! I never realized how much time i spent with him until I couldn’t anymore.

All i can say is, feel lucky if you have that special someone who makes life worthwhile. Because at any moment that person can be taken away from you. God knew what he was doing, and Allen was ready. The only problem is, I wasn’t ready to say goodbye yet!

 

How funny that almost 3 years later everything is so different, and I’ve found the one person that makes me as happy as he did.

Allen Jay

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Almost 3 years ago my boyfriend decided to do the dumbest thing he could’ve done. And here I am, blubbering away like it happened last week. See, it’s funny, because these things come and go. The pain is always with you, but you can go for days, weeks, months without thinking about it.

And then it hits you.

My boyfriend committed suicide on our anniversary.

And then it’s all you can do to not drown.

It’s the kind of pain that you can never see the end of, that hits you when you least expect it. It’s heartbreaking.

An hour ago I was snuggling my boyfriend and watching some dumb show. And you know what? I’m so glad we did that today. Because today? It can be the last day I will ever have with him. You think it’ll never happen to you, and everything is perfect. I thought so too. On March 18th, 2008 I fell asleep on the phone with my wonderful boyfriend after a conversation about what we were going to name our kids and how he was going to propose to me the day I turned 18. I was an innocent little girl, in the midst of the wonderful feelings of a first real love.

I didn’t know that the next morning when I woke up I would receive the worst news that I ever had, to date. I wasn’t ready to grow up. I wasn’t ready to speak at a funeral, and I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. I was so little. Naive. Young.

So today, I spent time with Brett. And we did nothing. And it was glorious. We ate french fries and named a unicorn and planned our future and laughed and cuddled and it was amazing. Every single day is even better than the last.

Allen taught me lots of things. He taught me how to fix a bike. He taught me how to open my heart. He taught me how to let myself let go. He taught me how to rely on myself.

He also taught me what sobbing meant. He taught me what sleepless nights truly are. He taught me what nightmares were. He taught me how to worry for everyone around me. He taught me what true, pure anger was. He taught me what keening meant. He taught me that silence is deadly.

But mostly, he taught me that every single day is a precious gift. If I die tomorrow, I will have no regrets. I will be happy and free. If I die in 50 years, the same is true.

Never leave on a harsh note. Never end the fight without making up. Never take someone for granted. Ever. Because if you do, you will never be able to forget.

I hope none of you ever has to know how it feels, but if you do, don’t have a single regret.

Those Things That No One Will Say

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I think it’s interesting how these days people seem to confuse religion with politics. There’s a reason that we as a society have thrived when there is a separation of church and state. But somehow, Conservatives have to be Christians these days, and those “crazy Atheists” are Liberals. And of course, if you’re liberal you HAVE to be a Democrat, and blah blah blah blah. I do see how these groups got to be this way, and it makes sense that you would side with the group that upholds your beliefs, but making politics the new platform for “saving people” isn’t the answer.

I think that growing up with an interest in politics and current events is probably the reason that I struggled with religious choices for…well, my whole life, to be honest. That, and growing up in a family that gave me no choice but to be Christian. I went back and forth a lot after puberty. I knew that I had enjoyed growing up in a Christian household, but that I had never really shared the belief in God that everyone else did, and I certainly hadn’t had any encounters with divine intervention like the people I saw in church as a kid. I went through a slough of religious turmoil when certain events and funerals passed in high school, and I think that’s when I definitely slipped out of the religious circle, but I wasn’t certain about anything.

I think I made my decision when I started college and decided on a major in Evolutionary Biology. To be honest, I still haven’t even discussed many of these things with my parents, because I know they have faith, and won’t understand why I don’t. But for me, it’s simple. Science is truth. It’s tangible, it’s mathematical, and there is proof for every phenomenon. I’m not in the business of believing in things that I don’t have concrete proof for, and that won’t change anytime soon. I realize that this is a huge disappointment for many of the people that are close to me, but if they truly cared about me as a person, they would stop trying to save me and accept that I’ve made my choices just as they have. You don’t see me walking around, trying to convert Jesus freaks to atheism. The same courtesy would be appreciated.

Time to Start Blogging Again!

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I am officially back from my sabbatical. Haha 🙂 I know my posts are all too irregular, but for now, I’m back. Life has been so hectic this semester! I’ve barely had time to think, let alone translate my thoughts into a post. Between the Chamber performances, homework, class, family drama and boy stuff I don’t even know what to do!

All I can say is, thank God this semester is coming to a close. I cannot wait to go on break. Just 2 more finals, 3 more performances, Phantom of the Opera Callbacks, and 2 more essays and I am home free. As soon as I’m done with my last class, I’m going to sleep for a week!

Anyway, since I’m back and this site is looking a little stale, it’s time for a new look! It’s also time for a new home for me, I’m afraid. I’m officially looking for a room to rent as of now. I think I’d rather try that instead of renting an apartment. Pretty sure this is all I can afford, unless someone is looking for a roommate.

After break, I swear I’m going to go nuts. My schedule is so ridiculous next semester. I’ll be taking English 2, Stats, Weight Training (with my favorite coach!), Concert Choir, Chamber Singers, Health and Wellness, and Comm 4. Not looking forward to that so much.

Well I suppose this has been sufficiently random and informative. Bedtime!

Messy Messiness

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I know that my blogging is sporadic, and I don’t live online like I used to. I’ve been trying to focus on the more important things, but now I’m realizing just how lazy I have become. I ask myself the same questions over and over, changing my mind about the answers every time. I continuously find myself in need of a job, but have little time to obtain one. I’m still in college, and still don’t know what I’m going to do or major in. I can’t focus long enough to struggle through homework, and I think it might be time to actually look into trying out some medications for my ADHD. It isn’t my first choice, but if my schoolwork can benefit from taking a regular medication, it’s worth a shot. However, I am dependent enough on sleeping pills, so I’m hesitant. I don’t want to be stuck at junior college any longer than I have to be, and I already screwed up one semester. I don’t need to mess up another, especially since my class load isn’t all that intense. It’s crunch time, and I know I need to get serious. Hopefully some of these things will get worked out soon.

Something positive: I have been making a conscious effort to exercise and eat often enough. It isn’t fun, but I can already tell a difference in my weight/energy/overall health. This week I’m going to have a physical done, and I’m hoping for good news.

I know this whole thing was a jumbled mess, but it’s 5:30 in the morning, and I should get back to my homework. Today WILL be a good day, despite the lack of sleep and random anxiety.

Question for Today

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Question for Today:
If you could make one change to the world/society around you, what would it be?

I’m sure a lot of people would say eliminate world hunger and stop war and whatnot, but
A) world hunger is a reality that we created with our overpopulation, guys.
B) war forces progress. the reality of it also encourages social order.

My answer to this question is probably completely selfish, but I would want to get rid of the way that people judge each other, or change the way that we judge each other, at the very least. For a good portion of my life, I felt very isolated…and a lot of it is because of the way that we expect people to fit into certain social expectations. I’m not saying that I’m so completely different from everyone, and look at poor little me; I’m just too cool for you all. That’s totally not it.

I’m saying that it’s hard to find the place where you’re supposed to fit in, and this is true of myself. Growing up I had a lot of issues because I didn’t really feel comfortable in any particular spot. I found that my comfort came from staying isolated. I holed up in my room and read books, and I often did the same at school. I was social, of course, but it was never fulfilling. I think that’s mostly because I have a hard time feeling accepted, since I’m kind of an oddball. I get judged because I talk too much or because I seem nerdy or because I’m a plus sized girl, or whatever. The list goes on.

Now I’m in a place where I can be completely comfortable with myself, and people can either like me or not. However, I wasn’t always this way. It was much more difficult to not care what people thought when I was in high school. High school is terrible for too many people. It’s during the transition to adulthood, which is difficult enough in itself. Not to mention the classwork and teachers. Why throw in a bunch of catty bitches and social expectations?

Point being–stop judging people. They feel crappy enough on their own.
Other point being–thank god I’m in college and I can choose who to surround myself with.

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