A Pretty Big Update….

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This one is mostly for the fam. Things have been nutso around here lately, and I’m terrible at corresponding when I get busy. You have to read my facebook religiously to actually know what’s up, and even then things get lost in the translation. So I’m back to the blog that I only update every few months to tell you the latest and greatest.

We’re moving! By “we” I mean the boyfriend, Brett, and I. While I realize that some of you may not approve of this, I am willing to accept that. Don’t get me wrong. Marriage has been put on the table as an option. Don’t think I haven’t thought about it. It’s just mostly the cost that makes us want to wait. We’d rather have been together longer and have more money before we take on that endeavor. Just know that it WILL happen. Just not right now. And yeah, my parents (especially dad) are very unhappy with pretty much everything I do now, so I get enough criticism from the Riggs Camp.

I’ve been living at le Boyfriend’s for about a month, and now we’re setting out on our own. The awesome news is, we’re moving into the apartment right next to his mom’s. This way we have our own place, but if we need anything or feel unsafe, we have people that we trust right next door. She’s already been a huge help. Tomorrow the electricity and gas are being turned on, and we’re going in to do some cleaning, since it’s been unoccupied for a few months. We’re moving all of the furniture in this weekend, after we buy new locks and door handles (as a precaution). The apartment is positively huge. It’s a 2 bedroom with 1 bathroom and a huge living room connected to the kitchen. Tiny backyard, but we don’t really care. It’s only missing a microwave, proper air conditioning and a fridge. But that’s okay, because we’re bringing our own fridge (courtesy of Brett’s grandma and her extra one) and a small air conditioner that will work perfectly for the bedroom. That will also keep the bills low, which we’re happy about. The apartment is in great condition, and it doesn’t smell funky or anything. We’ll always be safe because we have family right next door. I’m very excited.

The other news is that I’m now working 2 jobs in addition to going to school. I know, it sounds like a lot but it really isn’t. I’m only part-time this semester, and next semester I’ll be going full-time, but it will be online so I can be more flexible at work. I’ll also be working afternoons as a tutor at Success in Reading and Math and working graveyard shifts at Jack in the Box. The latter isn’t actually a sure thing, but I had an interview today and I was told that it “wasn’t a sure thing that I’d be hired, but I most likely would be because I have a great attitude and seem perfect for a customer service position there.” I’ve been told that this is a huge deal, because she kept complimenting me and she usually doesn’t do that. If that doesn’t work out, it’ll be another fast food job for now. I don’t really mind. It helps pay the bills while I’m at COS. Financial Aid will help out a little too. I don’t think I qualify for much, even now.

So basically, we’re going to be out on our own, doing our own thing. Once we get moved in, the main priority will be acquiring furniture. As of right now, we only have the fridge, some bedroom furniture, 2 computers and game systems, a GIANT tv, and a coffee table. For now that will totally work, and we’ll just take it from there. Within a few weeks I’ll probably turn on a 2nd phone, so expect a message about that. For now, that’s what’s going on over here. It’s pretty busy!

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Oh, College.

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It never fails to amaze me how prevalent the effects of things that I’ve studied in Sociology before are in college, especially. Mob mentality, the bandwagon effect, and so many other sociological phenomenons are seriously concentrated in this environment. I see it every day, and it gets old fast.

Lies are all of a sudden rumors, and then rumors destroy lives when they take over innocent kids. Then there are the ones that gain the tiniest bit of freedom when they become adults, and waste it doing drugs and living off of tax dollars. It’s sad to envision the futures of many of my classmates. I think this is definitely a skewed sample, given that this IS community college, and in a small town at that.

But you know what? I will be part of the 7% that makes something of themselves after COS. I won’t get married and have kids before I can legally have a glass of wine, and I won’t ditch class to get high. There’s a reason that people don’t make it past this far in their education. Granted, college isn’t meant for everyone, but in this day and age, degrees are important in pretty much every field except for fast food. In 10 years I will probably be getting served my meals by some of these people that think they’re cool now. And I’ll be the cool one, in my little red Audi. lol 🙂

It’s just comforting to know sometimes that these people, who are so quick to judge and accuse, will never amount to anything. And it’s also nice to know that five years from now, I won’t have to think about them at all, but they’ll remember me, because my name will be famous. Maybe. I can dream, right?

Old Stuff

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I found this today. I wrote it on May 27, 2008. Oh, how I have changed.

 

Allie Without Allen

Current mood:lonely

Allen Jay’s death was the worst event in my life, but how cool that he brought so many people closer to the Lord. It was like Allen, to go out in style. It’s amazing, people tell me that i”m the strongest person they know! Me! Are they crazy or what? And people are always telling me that I’m dealing with it so well, and that I’m doing so well. But here’s the problem. That’s all good and well during the school year, when I have things to do, classes to go to, homework to do. What happens during summer when i’m all alone?

We spent all of last summer together. Summer school, the Waterpark, and just hanging out at home. This summer…well, I guess i’ll find something to do. It’s weird. I go places alone now, do things alone that we always did as a couple. People tell me that it’s odd to see me walking by myself, and it feels weird.

Couple activities have turned into single activities, and i find myself searching for activities to keep myself busy. We spent so much time together! I never realized how much time i spent with him until I couldn’t anymore.

All i can say is, feel lucky if you have that special someone who makes life worthwhile. Because at any moment that person can be taken away from you. God knew what he was doing, and Allen was ready. The only problem is, I wasn’t ready to say goodbye yet!

 

How funny that almost 3 years later everything is so different, and I’ve found the one person that makes me as happy as he did.

Allen Jay

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Almost 3 years ago my boyfriend decided to do the dumbest thing he could’ve done. And here I am, blubbering away like it happened last week. See, it’s funny, because these things come and go. The pain is always with you, but you can go for days, weeks, months without thinking about it.

And then it hits you.

My boyfriend committed suicide on our anniversary.

And then it’s all you can do to not drown.

It’s the kind of pain that you can never see the end of, that hits you when you least expect it. It’s heartbreaking.

An hour ago I was snuggling my boyfriend and watching some dumb show. And you know what? I’m so glad we did that today. Because today? It can be the last day I will ever have with him. You think it’ll never happen to you, and everything is perfect. I thought so too. On March 18th, 2008 I fell asleep on the phone with my wonderful boyfriend after a conversation about what we were going to name our kids and how he was going to propose to me the day I turned 18. I was an innocent little girl, in the midst of the wonderful feelings of a first real love.

I didn’t know that the next morning when I woke up I would receive the worst news that I ever had, to date. I wasn’t ready to grow up. I wasn’t ready to speak at a funeral, and I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. I was so little. Naive. Young.

So today, I spent time with Brett. And we did nothing. And it was glorious. We ate french fries and named a unicorn and planned our future and laughed and cuddled and it was amazing. Every single day is even better than the last.

Allen taught me lots of things. He taught me how to fix a bike. He taught me how to open my heart. He taught me how to let myself let go. He taught me how to rely on myself.

He also taught me what sobbing meant. He taught me what sleepless nights truly are. He taught me what nightmares were. He taught me how to worry for everyone around me. He taught me what true, pure anger was. He taught me what keening meant. He taught me that silence is deadly.

But mostly, he taught me that every single day is a precious gift. If I die tomorrow, I will have no regrets. I will be happy and free. If I die in 50 years, the same is true.

Never leave on a harsh note. Never end the fight without making up. Never take someone for granted. Ever. Because if you do, you will never be able to forget.

I hope none of you ever has to know how it feels, but if you do, don’t have a single regret.

More on Religion

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There’s a few great excerpts from the book I’m reading by Jodi Picoult that really nail exactly how I feel about religion. I thought I’d share them.

“There was too much injustice in the world to buy into the belief that a merciful, all-powerful deity would continue to allow such atrocities to exist; and i downright detested the party line that there was some grand plan for humanity’s bumbling existence. It was like a parent watching children play with fire and thinking, ‘Well, let them burn. That’ll teach them.'”

“I don’t think religions are based on lies, but I don’t think they’re based on truths, either. I think they come about because of what people need at the time that they need them–believers need, by definition, something to believe in.”

And that is exactly how I feel.

Those Things That No One Will Say

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I think it’s interesting how these days people seem to confuse religion with politics. There’s a reason that we as a society have thrived when there is a separation of church and state. But somehow, Conservatives have to be Christians these days, and those “crazy Atheists” are Liberals. And of course, if you’re liberal you HAVE to be a Democrat, and blah blah blah blah. I do see how these groups got to be this way, and it makes sense that you would side with the group that upholds your beliefs, but making politics the new platform for “saving people” isn’t the answer.

I think that growing up with an interest in politics and current events is probably the reason that I struggled with religious choices for…well, my whole life, to be honest. That, and growing up in a family that gave me no choice but to be Christian. I went back and forth a lot after puberty. I knew that I had enjoyed growing up in a Christian household, but that I had never really shared the belief in God that everyone else did, and I certainly hadn’t had any encounters with divine intervention like the people I saw in church as a kid. I went through a slough of religious turmoil when certain events and funerals passed in high school, and I think that’s when I definitely slipped out of the religious circle, but I wasn’t certain about anything.

I think I made my decision when I started college and decided on a major in Evolutionary Biology. To be honest, I still haven’t even discussed many of these things with my parents, because I know they have faith, and won’t understand why I don’t. But for me, it’s simple. Science is truth. It’s tangible, it’s mathematical, and there is proof for every phenomenon. I’m not in the business of believing in things that I don’t have concrete proof for, and that won’t change anytime soon. I realize that this is a huge disappointment for many of the people that are close to me, but if they truly cared about me as a person, they would stop trying to save me and accept that I’ve made my choices just as they have. You don’t see me walking around, trying to convert Jesus freaks to atheism. The same courtesy would be appreciated.

Just Do It

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Have you ever felt extremely emotionally conflicted but couldn’t really explain your feelings about it to someone else? Wait, what am I saying? Of course you have. We ALL have. That’s just part of life. But I think one of the crappiest parts of being all emotional is not knowing who you can talk to.

But, for the record, in my opinion, it’s better to talk to someone that you don’t necessarily feel comfortable opening up to than bottling your feelings. Bottling is unhealthy, and so are other self-diagnosing forms of pain and stress relief. Do yourselves and your bodies a favor…release tension and be happy 🙂

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