Oh, College.

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It never fails to amaze me how prevalent the effects of things that I’ve studied in Sociology before are in college, especially. Mob mentality, the bandwagon effect, and so many other sociological phenomenons are seriously concentrated in this environment. I see it every day, and it gets old fast.

Lies are all of a sudden rumors, and then rumors destroy lives when they take over innocent kids. Then there are the ones that gain the tiniest bit of freedom when they become adults, and waste it doing drugs and living off of tax dollars. It’s sad to envision the futures of many of my classmates. I think this is definitely a skewed sample, given that this IS community college, and in a small town at that.

But you know what? I will be part of the 7% that makes something of themselves after COS. I won’t get married and have kids before I can legally have a glass of wine, and I won’t ditch class to get high. There’s a reason that people don’t make it past this far in their education. Granted, college isn’t meant for everyone, but in this day and age, degrees are important in pretty much every field except for fast food. In 10 years I will probably be getting served my meals by some of these people that think they’re cool now. And I’ll be the cool one, in my little red Audi. lol 🙂

It’s just comforting to know sometimes that these people, who are so quick to judge and accuse, will never amount to anything. And it’s also nice to know that five years from now, I won’t have to think about them at all, but they’ll remember me, because my name will be famous. Maybe. I can dream, right?

Old Stuff

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I found this today. I wrote it on May 27, 2008. Oh, how I have changed.

 

Allie Without Allen

Current mood:lonely

Allen Jay’s death was the worst event in my life, but how cool that he brought so many people closer to the Lord. It was like Allen, to go out in style. It’s amazing, people tell me that i”m the strongest person they know! Me! Are they crazy or what? And people are always telling me that I’m dealing with it so well, and that I’m doing so well. But here’s the problem. That’s all good and well during the school year, when I have things to do, classes to go to, homework to do. What happens during summer when i’m all alone?

We spent all of last summer together. Summer school, the Waterpark, and just hanging out at home. This summer…well, I guess i’ll find something to do. It’s weird. I go places alone now, do things alone that we always did as a couple. People tell me that it’s odd to see me walking by myself, and it feels weird.

Couple activities have turned into single activities, and i find myself searching for activities to keep myself busy. We spent so much time together! I never realized how much time i spent with him until I couldn’t anymore.

All i can say is, feel lucky if you have that special someone who makes life worthwhile. Because at any moment that person can be taken away from you. God knew what he was doing, and Allen was ready. The only problem is, I wasn’t ready to say goodbye yet!

 

How funny that almost 3 years later everything is so different, and I’ve found the one person that makes me as happy as he did.

Luckiest Sick Girl Ever

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After spending the last few days in excruciating amounts of pain and with doctor’s hands in places that no one’s should ever go, I’ve realized a few things.

Laughter is not the best medicine. People that say that are lying. Love is the best medicine. It really is. Last night I may have been crying like a baby in the hospital bed, but you know what? My knight in shining armor was right there next to me, holding my hand and telling me that he was sorry I was hurting. And let me tell you, true love is when a guy will sit next to your bedside for 6 hours holding your hand when he is bored out of his mind, freezing, worried and exhausted.

I am so truly blessed to have the people in my life that I do. Yes, boyfriend is one of them. But is he the only one? Of course not. Even the friends that I don’t get to talk to as often as I like–when I do see them, they light up my world. I’m really sorry. Usually I’ve got the sarcastic and pessimistic humorous things to whine about, but lately I’ve been so mushy. It probably is seriously annoying.

Anyway, I just basically wanted to brag about how lucky I am 🙂

Also, don’t canonize the boy for being a saint. He made fun of me so hard when I freaked out about the IV needle.

Little jerk.

I’ve Been Really Introspective Lately. It’s Kind of Annoying.

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It’s kind of funny how long it takes before you realize how important someone in your life is to you. Usually it takes losing them, or even the threat of losing them, before we realize how lucky we are. I am so, so guilty of this. I take people for granted so often. When I stop and realize it, I always feel terrible. That’s why I’m making a vow today to not take a single person in my life for granted.

Here’s to making good choices, kids.

I always post the title later. Damn.

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So I’m sitting in my room at 1am, doing quintessential college things. I have extremely loud hip hop music on, I’m dancing to myself a little, I’m in my undies, I’m doing homework, I’m on Facebook, and I’m making flashcards. Funny thing is, I’m having fun. It’s funny how easy it is to take comfort in the routine of the semester. So much better than being on break.

That’s pretty much all. Also, thanks for actually taking the time to click on this site. I know it’s dumb and boring. My other one is much more interesting. I give away free stuff. Here I pretty much just talk about how awesome I am and how much I love my boyfriend. lol

Well, I better get back to my Math 21 homework. You should go to the other site and read the review I just posted about how to survive the Zombie Apocalypse.

Allen Jay

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Almost 3 years ago my boyfriend decided to do the dumbest thing he could’ve done. And here I am, blubbering away like it happened last week. See, it’s funny, because these things come and go. The pain is always with you, but you can go for days, weeks, months without thinking about it.

And then it hits you.

My boyfriend committed suicide on our anniversary.

And then it’s all you can do to not drown.

It’s the kind of pain that you can never see the end of, that hits you when you least expect it. It’s heartbreaking.

An hour ago I was snuggling my boyfriend and watching some dumb show. And you know what? I’m so glad we did that today. Because today? It can be the last day I will ever have with him. You think it’ll never happen to you, and everything is perfect. I thought so too. On March 18th, 2008 I fell asleep on the phone with my wonderful boyfriend after a conversation about what we were going to name our kids and how he was going to propose to me the day I turned 18. I was an innocent little girl, in the midst of the wonderful feelings of a first real love.

I didn’t know that the next morning when I woke up I would receive the worst news that I ever had, to date. I wasn’t ready to grow up. I wasn’t ready to speak at a funeral, and I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. I was so little. Naive. Young.

So today, I spent time with Brett. And we did nothing. And it was glorious. We ate french fries and named a unicorn and planned our future and laughed and cuddled and it was amazing. Every single day is even better than the last.

Allen taught me lots of things. He taught me how to fix a bike. He taught me how to open my heart. He taught me how to let myself let go. He taught me how to rely on myself.

He also taught me what sobbing meant. He taught me what sleepless nights truly are. He taught me what nightmares were. He taught me how to worry for everyone around me. He taught me what true, pure anger was. He taught me what keening meant. He taught me that silence is deadly.

But mostly, he taught me that every single day is a precious gift. If I die tomorrow, I will have no regrets. I will be happy and free. If I die in 50 years, the same is true.

Never leave on a harsh note. Never end the fight without making up. Never take someone for granted. Ever. Because if you do, you will never be able to forget.

I hope none of you ever has to know how it feels, but if you do, don’t have a single regret.

Poetry

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Well obviously I couldn’t keep up with my vow to post something new every day, but I did create a new product-review based website that I will be updating fairly regularly. This is still where all of my personal blogging will be done, for the the foreseeable future. Today I came across a series of poems that I wrote over a year ago, and thought that it would be kind of cool to share them. They’re from an exercise that I did with a friend, giving ourselves 10 minutes or less to write a poem about the first word or phrase to come to mind. The words we chose were Remote, Coffee, Stitch, and Simple Machines. Here are my poems:

Word #1: Remote

It hits the ground with a dull thud
But somehow the injustice of the blow
Meant far more than the act itself.

The insults fly, but do not resonate.
She has gone once again
To the place filled with flowers.

The hurt is easily masked,
But it only feeds anger.
Because it is what he wants,
She will not bend.

In her mind, she is ready.
Let the objects fly without ceasing.

Word #2: Coffee

The healing powers of a steaming cup
Envelop not only the body, but the mind.
Caffeine and its’ genetic makeup
Really only cause a series of chemical reactions
In the brain.
Sure, it’s bad stuff.
Stunts your growth,
It’s addicting….
But somehow, the instant relief provided
Makes it all okay.

Word #3: Stitch

They keep my wounds together,
For it seems I am easily hurt.
Great stories follow injuries
That are easy to laugh off later.

But each time I trip,
Or miss a step
It makes me nervous
For what will ensue.

I bruise easily,
Trip often,
Have more scars than i can count….
I guess you’d say I’m clumsy.

Word (Phrase) #4: Simple Machines

Being able to breathe
Comes so naturally.
A latent function
That is taken for granted.

The only time we realize
The worth of each new breath
Is when the chance to inhale
Has been rippied away.

The body is a simple machine,
That makes things so complex.

My emotions swirl
And all that i can focus on
Is the simple latent function:
The art of taking a breath.

Hopefully I will have more to post later, since I’ve been trying this exercise again 🙂

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