Almost 3 years ago my boyfriend decided to do the dumbest thing he could’ve done. And here I am, blubbering away like it happened last week. See, it’s funny, because these things come and go. The pain is always with you, but you can go for days, weeks, months without thinking about it.

And then it hits you.

My boyfriend committed suicide on our anniversary.

And then it’s all you can do to not drown.

It’s the kind of pain that you can never see the end of, that hits you when you least expect it. It’s heartbreaking.

An hour ago I was snuggling my boyfriend and watching some dumb show. And you know what? I’m so glad we did that today. Because today? It can be the last day I will ever have with him. You think it’ll never happen to you, and everything is perfect. I thought so too. On March 18th, 2008 I fell asleep on the phone with my wonderful boyfriend after a conversation about what we were going to name our kids and how he was going to propose to me the day I turned 18. I was an innocent little girl, in the midst of the wonderful feelings of a first real love.

I didn’t know that the next morning when I woke up I would receive the worst news that I ever had, to date. I wasn’t ready to grow up. I wasn’t ready to speak at a funeral, and I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. I was so little. Naive. Young.

So today, I spent time with Brett. And we did nothing. And it was glorious. We ate french fries and named a unicorn and planned our future and laughed and cuddled and it was amazing. Every single day is even better than the last.

Allen taught me lots of things. He taught me how to fix a bike. He taught me how to open my heart. He taught me how to let myself let go. He taught me how to rely on myself.

He also taught me what sobbing meant. He taught me what sleepless nights truly are. He taught me what nightmares were. He taught me how to worry for everyone around me. He taught me what true, pure anger was. He taught me what keening meant. He taught me that silence is deadly.

But mostly, he taught me that every single day is a precious gift. If I die tomorrow, I will have no regrets. I will be happy and free. If I die in 50 years, the same is true.

Never leave on a harsh note. Never end the fight without making up. Never take someone for granted. Ever. Because if you do, you will never be able to forget.

I hope none of you ever has to know how it feels, but if you do, don’t have a single regret.

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